You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You need a sexual gate keeper
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
