FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
