I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
