I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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