My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
