note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
