I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This baby is an asshole
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
