I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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