When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
