sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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