It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
