Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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