it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
