Come see our sink grown plant.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
