Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
