I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
