my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
