stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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