dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
