fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
