Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
