Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
