did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
