More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
