Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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