Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
