So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
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