is your mom at the bar?
Acid is not a monday night drug
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
