So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
