I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
