Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
