If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
