"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
