i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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