Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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