I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
