god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
