My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
