dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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