I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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