I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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