He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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