My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
