We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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