You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
