What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
