did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
