Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
