Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
