Apparently you make a good broom.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
